*TW: Discussions of suicide and depression*

I wrote Stuff I’ve Been Feeling Lately in 2015 while dangling from my final straw. I’ve said in many an interview that writing Stuff I’ve Been Feeling Lately was an exercise in manifesting my own hope during a time when I needed to believe life was going to get better. It was self-published in 2016, was a finalist in the Goodreads Choice Awards, and then was traditionally published in 2017 by Andrews McMeel Publishing. 

This book kicked off my career as a poet and became would the first book in my popular “mixtape poetry” series, followed by Sorry I Haven’t Texted You Back and The Music Was Just Getting Good. The books are uniquely structured in two sections: “Side A” comprises 92 original poems, while “Side B” offers blackout versions (erasure poetry) of those same 92 poems. Each poem is accompanied by a recommended song at the end.

Stuff I’ve Been Feeling Lately continues to find readers years after its release and has sold nearly 100,000 copies to date. Now, it is being adapted into a song cycle and will premiere in September in Saratoga Springs, NY.

A song cycle is a set of related poems, that share a common theme and are performed musically and sequentially as a unit. Produced by Evan Mack and featuring world-renowned mezzo-soprano Meg Marino, I only told a handful of people in my life about Stuff I’ve Been Feeling Lately, the song cycle because I could hardly believe this was happening; it all felt so surreal, and I didn’t want to jinx its existence!

I, in a few months, will sit in a seat inside the Arthur Zankel Music Center, the lights will dim, the piano will start, and I will listen to my origin story in a way I never imagined possible.

I had the honor of interviewing Evan and Meg about this upcoming production and the effort that went into creating it.

 

Alicia Cook (AC): Evan, it’s not every day that a modern poetry book is adapted into an opera or song cycle. What inspired you to transform Stuff I’ve Been Feeling Lately, and how did you approach translating the book’s themes and emotions into a musical format? 

 

Evan Mack (EM): I instantly fell in love with the poems in Stuff I’ve Been Feeling Lately and thought it would be a powerful song cycle. I was fascinated with both the A and B “sides” of your book and what redaction (blackout poetry) would look like if set to music. I knew it would be a fun challenge to create music that the listener would then have to feel went “missing” or “unheard.”  This is the first time I have ever set out to write a cycle that is through composition, that songs, redacted poems, and interludes all morph into each other without pause. It was the only way I felt I could capture the complexity of emotions in your book without making them feel siloed–something that the entire poetry book does magnificently. 

 

AC: Evan, I need to ask…what’s the difference between an opera and a song cycle?

 

EM: They’re in the same family. A song cycle is a collection of poems that usually share a common theme. At times, the poems can reflect a narrative, but not always. Occasionally, they are merely a setting of poems where the author is the only connection! In this cycle, larger themes are at play, and the story follows a dramatic arc from start to finish. An opera is usually a staged work with singing from start to finish. I have seen song cycles staged, but typically the focus is more on the musical presentation rather than the theatrical.

 

AC: Mental Health is an unmissable theme throughout Stuff I’ve Been Feeling Lately. Oddly enough, when I was first writing the book, I don’t think I knew that I was writing about depression and anxiety. Now, it is quite obvious to me. What draws you both to the themes of mental health, recovery, and hope?

 

EM: The poems resonated with me on many levels. Coping with loss, a loved one in crisis, addiction. It cut deep. I selected poems that showed the many facets of what a person has to contend with and how emotions can run high and low in a matter of seconds to long stretches of time.

 

Meg Marino (MM): Personal experience. I’ve stood on the platform, ready to jump in front of the next train to roll by… I was going through too much and not coping well. There was reality, and then there was the version I had created in my bunker/mind. Not pretty, but that’s the truth! Your writing spoke to me when I needed to hear it. I felt seen. I felt like I was reading a poetic guide on how to accept where I was at in my life, not keep kicking myself for it, and start fighting for myself; it made me want to get better. 

 

AC: Wow. That’s so true about emotions. Switching gears: Meg and Evan, I understand you are longtime friends and creative partners. Speak to that relationship a bit!

 

EM: Meg is a phenomenal artist and brilliant performer. We collaborated on an album in 2019/20 and she interpreted my music beyond what I imagined the ink on the page could do. To write a full song cycle for her was thrilling. I trust her, so I knew to take a hard look when she suggested your book. And it was a helluva suggestion. After that, there was trust to see what poems she liked versus what I liked, and how they would line up in an order that could make dramaturgical sense. Best of all, when composing the work, I would often think, “What can Meg do with this vocally?” and swing for the fences.

 

MM: OMG Evan, stop it! I love singing Evan’s music! It worms its way into my ears and being. His language just makes sense to me; it has from the first time I heard it (sung by my husband, “A Little More Perfect” a setting of the text of Justice Anthony Kennedy’s majority opinion on Obergefell v. Hodges). His compositions have a lot of his own empathetic soul in them. He chooses text that really means something, and often challenges us to think and feel in new ways. So when we got talking about what we should collab on next, and the ol’ “read anything good lately?” question was posed, he was barely done hitting send on his email when I’d already crafted my reply and hit “buy now” with his address in the “send to” line on Stuff I’ve Been Feeling Lately & Sorry I Haven’t Texted You Back!

 

AC: I am going to look up “dramaturgical” after this. Meg, I love that you bought him my two books. When Evan was looking for new work to adapt, you suggested Stuff I’ve Been Feeling Lately! Can you share why you recommended my books to him?

 

MM: A) The poetry speaks to me on a visceral and conversational level. For sure on subjects that matter to me and just the general flow of the language and imagery. B) The “A Side”/”B Side” component of your books just seemed rife with possibility from a compositional standpoint. So many possible ways one could set it and get creative with that device. C) I know and adore you, your artistry, and your collaborative spirit. It just felt like the right fit for all of us in many ways, so I ripped off the bandaid and told you about my bold idea. Thankfully, you both were down to create!

 

AC: Evan, what were the biggest challenges you faced during the adaptation process, and how did you overcome them? I know we all had some back and forth about how many poems to include and what ones to cut. 

 

EM: With 92 poems and 92 blackout poems in this book, there was an abundance of poems that could have been set to music–a good problem to have! We had to cut and arrange the poems in a way that packed an emotional punch in sequence but, more importantly, left room for the music to have its own narrative, its own story that could complement the text. What was advantageous was the ability to present “Side A” or “Side B” first, where the audience could feel redaction subconsciously or feel the addition of words if the redacted poem was set first.

 

AC: On that, Evan and Meg, what are your thoughts as to the final arrangement of the poems? Does it tell a story? If so, what is that story?

 

EM: I leave that up to Meg. Conceiving it, I had my own personal memories and emotions mapped onto the order. For the listener, they can see themselves in the way the cycle unfolds, they can think that it’s the performer’s own journey, or see Meg as a character in a story. 

Being that it is a cycle and how your redactions (blackout poetry) played with emotions in the foreground or the background led me to, what I feel, is a fitting way to tell the story. The first poem is presented as “Side A” and then “Side B.” The last poem of the cycle is a recapitulation of the first poem but with my own redactions of Side A–both in text, harmony, and melody. It makes the song cycle feel cyclic, like if the record restarted, the final song could bleed into the first song. However, you can only earn that transformation of the first poem if you experience and navigate the feelings in all the other poems.

 

MM: You know, Evan, I hear and feel that very strongly in the way you’ve crafted the flow of the full work. Every time I’ve listened through the MIDI track and read the poems in this new context, it evokes the thought that time and human life are not linear. We cycle through the same things in different ways, at different stages of life, only to find ourselves, often unintentionally, where we started, or on a parallel plane. We remember everything, and sometimes we remember so strongly that we’re right back there, inhabiting a former version of ourselves or still cycling through some memory from childhood that is so real and potent that you can taste it. For me, it’s not so much a story with a full-on plot, but rather a poetic-tonal portrait of the inner struggles we all face in a truly cyclical way. 

 

AC: Oh, I love that idea that we are just cycling, and there is no real start and end line. Evan, I appreciated how open you were to bouncing ideas off of me and Meg throughout your creative process. You reached out to me way more than I thought (I mean that in a good way!). Can you describe your usual collaboration process? 

 

EM: Writing opera is an extremely collaborative process, working with a librettist, director, and performers, and having the presence of mind to revise based on the need of the opera or suggestions by the collaborator. Working directly with you as the poet and getting a sense of where you were when writing the work and your spirit to discuss ideas on how to present the cycle really informed how I was going to approach the piece. The fact that I shared a very-wet-ink rough draft with you all early on was new for me, and I was glad to get feedback and reassurances on what I was writing from both you and Meg.

 

AC: I told you both in an email after first listening to just the music score that if the inside of my head had a soundtrack during the time I was writing Stuff I’ve Been Feeling Lately, it would sound exactly as you composed it. How did you approach the composition of the Cycle’s music to reflect the tone and emotional depth of the poetry? Because you nailed it. Are there specific musical styles or motifs you used to enhance the storytelling?

 

EM: The fact that you listed non-classical music at the end of each poem was liberating for me as a composer. It gave me permission to invoke those genres of music in this “classical” cycle. There is one song that could be cut as a pop single! There are motifs that take different forms throughout, and they are always at service to the text, allowing the listener to make their own connections both consciously and subconsciously.  

 

AC: What do you hope audiences will take away from this adaptation of Stuff I’ve Been Feeling Lately? How do you think this new medium adds a new dimension to the understanding of poetry?

 

EM: My big takeaway from your poetry is how you can find hope in pain, or how absence of something or someone is hardest when you feel joy, not despair. I hope the listener can be open, receptive, and even vulnerable if need be, and take a moment to live with all the images you invoke with your words, heightened by music, and expressed deeply by Meg.

 

MM: It’s like we share a brain, Evan! In the same way that it makes me think time isn’t linear, it makes me appreciate just that: the pain in feeling joy and how even in our lowest moments, there’s hope and fight. Hearing the sounds, often crunchy mixed with pearly beauty, the way certain words have been highlighted or gently blended into the texture, further illuminates the text in a way that almost evokes visual art…I feel a possible next step coming on, post-premiere.

 

AC: Meg, Evan said earlier that the audience might “see Meg as a character in a story.” When you’re on that stage in September, singing these words, are you Meg Marino – or are you playing into a character?

 

MM: This character is decidedly not me. It is the thoughts and memories personified and if I had to pick a character, it is that of the mind. Like the smoke that lingers in the air long after it’s been exhaled. Like a spirit that lost its body. In a way, it feels like interstitial tissue that connects all human beings. 

 

AC: Wow. I can’t wait to see you sing! Evan and Meg, what are your professional hopes for this version of Stuff I’ve Been Feeling Lately? Do you hope to have it performed at other venues?

 

EM: I hope Meg and I tour with this cycle and that we record it and release it; and, when we are ready, put it out there for more singers to interpret it–a sign of a lasting piece is when other performers digest not only the ink on the page, but the performance of the premiere, and then put their own perspective on the cycle.

 

MM: First and foremost, I hope that the work, even at its young workshopping and premiere, will find the hearts and minds who need to experience it and will recognize the hope in the darkness and be moved to fight for themselves (or someone they know who’s struggling). And then past that, I hope it has a long life and many iterations with many artists interpreting it. I’m already hearing a chamber ensemble orchestration in my head and seeing video projections, so perhaps the next step for us as a creative team is expanding and exploring it on a larger scale. 

 

AC: I can’t wrap my head around this, in the best way. Getting personal for a moment, given that I began writing Stuff I’ve Been Feeling Lately nearly 10 years ago, there are moments when I don’t want to look at the book anymore (laughs). I notice things I would change or maybe a better way to say something. All that to say, the fact that this little book of mine is getting a second life in this way, I can’t thank you enough. Thank you for reminding me why this book is special and that it became a bestseller for a reason. Thank you for this amazing opportunity to be a part of something so spectacular and unique!

 

MM: I love that this project is allowing you to appreciate your work in a new way. I KNOW it will touch a whole new audience in this form too. Thank YOU for saying, “Yes, and?”  

 

EM: I appreciate you agreeing to this collaboration…it’s hard to look at previous works and not revise them with your newfound life (and work) experience. My songs, cycles, and operas are time capsules, and could only have been written by the “me” of that time. I have the benefit of new productions or new performers giving a new spin on older works, and yes, it’s tempting to change things, or rewrite a section, but I think better, and let it inform my new work, not become a perpetual revision of my old ones.

 

AC: I really like that perspective, Evan. Well, the “me” who wrote Stuff I’ve Been Feeling Lately is happy to still be here, so the “me” of today can be a part of this project. 

 

***

 

About Evan Mack:

Believing that opera should be theater grounded in climatic expression that delivers larger-than-life stories and music that harnesses the full athletic thrill of singing, Evan Mack has devoted much of his compositional life to opera and song. His notable works include Angel of the Amazon, which premiered in 2011 at the Baryshnikov Arts Center, and The Secret of Luca, premiered by Fresno State Opera Theater in 2013, marking the start of his collaborations with librettist Joshua McGuire. In 2016, their American grand opera Roscoe premiered at Seagle Music Colony and received its orchestral debut with the Albany Symphony, featuring Metropolitan Opera star Deborah Voigt. Their multicultural Christmas opera for children, Lucinda y las Flores de la Nochebuena, is becoming a holiday staple. Another collaboration, The Ghosts of Gatsby, premiered in 2019 and won the National Opera Association’s Argento Chamber Opera Competition, while Dragon’s Breath is a finalist for the American Prize. Mack and McGuire are currently working on the musical comedy The World Still Needs You, Boris Yeltsin! with Christopher Mirto. Evan Mack,  named “2018 Professional of the Year” by Musical America, is a Senior Teaching Professor at Skidmore College. His compositions News of Victory and Up on the Crane Tower have been performed in the US and China, including a notable performance with the Philadelphia Orchestra at the US/China Summit. In 2020, he founded We Are Instrumental, an organization supporting music access in Adirondack K-12 public schools. He resides in Ticonderoga, NY, with his wife, Kristin, and their two sons, Carter and Henry. More at www.EvanMack.com

 

About Meg Marino:

Genre-adventurous & driven by a deep-rooted need to communicate, Meg is a true believer that a good song is a good song, regardless of its genre or origin. She’s established herself as a stylish musician and a fearless stage animal, praised as “authoritative and carefree,” and “a gifted actress with a strong, appealing voice, graced by a rich lower register.” Recent performance highlights: Puck/A Midsummer Night’s Dream (Atlanta Opera), Elsa Schraeder/The Sound of Music (Houston Grand Opera), Heggie & Scheer’s Before It All Goes Dark, (world premiere, Music of Remembrance), Annina/Der Rosenkavalier (Santa Fe Opera), Maddalena/Rigoletto (OperaDelaware & Opera Baltimore), and heard in concert with Fort Worth Opera, Holy City Arts & Lyric Opera, Pensacola Opera, and the OperaDelaware Studio Series. Additionally, as of July 1st of this year, Meg serves her alma mater, University of Southern Maine, as the new Creative Director of Performing Arts, and continues her work as Executive Director of Creede Musical Arts Collective (501c3). Upcoming fall 2024 appearances include the world premiere of Stuff I’ve Been Feeling Lately with Evan Mack at the piano, Beggar Woman/Lucy in Sweeney Todd, and recitals with the Portland Piano Trio, and pianist Laura Kargul. More at https://www.meganmarino.com/

 

About Alicia Cook:

Alicia Cook is a multi-award-winning writer and mental health and addiction awareness advocate based in Newark, New Jersey. Her writing often focuses on addiction, mental health, and grief – sometimes all at once. She is the poet behind Stuff I’ve Been Feeling Lately, I Hope My Voice Doesn’t Skip, Sorry I Haven’t Texted You Back, and The Music Was Just Getting Good. Outside of her own books and appearing in anthologies, her writing has been published by The New York Times, HuffPost, Teen Vogue, and other outlets. More at: www.thealiciacook.com